2. Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software...it's called #Monday, please fix it...
3. Always remember that you are absolutely unique... Just like everyone else...
4. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive...
5. Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs...
6. HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK? I ACCIDENTALLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK OFF. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MAD BECAUSE THEY THINK I AM SHOUTING AT THEM OVER INTERNET. PLEASE HELP!!!
7. If a stranger offers you a piece of candy...take two...
8. If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak fluent English...
9. People say that laughter is the best medicine...lol your face must be curing the world!
10. Please don't eat me! I have a girlfriend and friends... ... ...Eat them!
11. Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.
12. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong
13. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
14. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
15. Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
16. I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.
17. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
18. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
19. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen
20. Cancer cures smoking. 21. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
22. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said
23. Miss ciku... I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on
24. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
25. The light at the end of the tunnel – are the front lights of a train
26. Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator
27. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children
28. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living
29. By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong
30. If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between “shit” and “syphilis
31. When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
32. Girls always call me ugly until they find out how much salary I earn...then they begin calling me Ugly and poor!!
33. Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”
34. Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
35. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today
36. Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce her.
37. Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside...break their bones because they have 206 of them.
38. Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
39. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves
40. I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
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