1. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
2. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him some porridge.
3. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame
4. I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my girlfriend. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
5. War does not determine who is right – only who is left
6. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
7. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t
8. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
9. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
10. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
12. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
13. Men should be like coffee: strong, hot and not letting you sleep for the whole night. However, most of them are like copy machines: suitable only for reproduction.
14. Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the second step!!!
15. If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid
17. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole
18. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
19. When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the 10%
20. I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I have been watching her do so through my telescope last night.
21. When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.
22. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
23. I’m a humble person, really. I’m actually much greater than I think I am.
24. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth
25. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized
26. Only an ass can be divided in half.
27. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
28. You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
29. I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...
30. Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!
31. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
32. ‘Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?’ ‘Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?
33. I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
34. 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
35. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
36. Whatever you do always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.
37. everytime i find the key to success, some stupid fool comes and changes the lock
38. if you cant find the key to success...pick the lock!
39. Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue
40. Nobody is interested in your sorrow, unless you can make a joke or a poem out of it...
2. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him some porridge.
3. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame
4. I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my girlfriend. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
5. War does not determine who is right – only who is left
6. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
7. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t
8. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
9. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
10. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
12. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
13. Men should be like coffee: strong, hot and not letting you sleep for the whole night. However, most of them are like copy machines: suitable only for reproduction.
14. Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the second step!!!
15. If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid
17. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole
18. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
19. When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the 10%
20. I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I have been watching her do so through my telescope last night.
21. When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.
22. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
23. I’m a humble person, really. I’m actually much greater than I think I am.
24. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth
25. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized
26. Only an ass can be divided in half.
27. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
28. You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
29. I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...
30. Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!
31. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
32. ‘Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?’ ‘Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?
33. I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
34. 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
35. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
36. Whatever you do always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.
37. everytime i find the key to success, some stupid fool comes and changes the lock
38. if you cant find the key to success...pick the lock!
39. Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue
40. Nobody is interested in your sorrow, unless you can make a joke or a poem out of it...
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