Hilarious One-Liners

Evening news is when they start off with Good Evening and then proceed to telling you why it isn't.

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!

How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.

Energizer bunny arrested-charged with battery.

What did 0 say to number 8?
Nice belt.

Waiter, waiter! There's a slug in my salad.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know you were a vegetarian.

Take the mast off when you speak to me.

Whats a snail?
A slug with a crash helmet.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

A man walked into a bar.
Ouch.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

What would the lamp say to the man?
Nothing. A lamp is an inanimate object.

I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.

What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.