I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?
Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
The meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Ham and Eggs - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
I was only looking at your name-tag, honest!
Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."
Police arrested a man who stole a chicken while Tweeting about it. He's hoping for a short sentence
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