Funny Random Quotes

Global warming was the reason the name Ivy Blue came into being...just think about it!

Saying you have a headache to get out of things because your to lazy to go.
Please understand that I didn’t do it! Unless I was supposed to do it. Then of course I did it.

Sometimes I feel like I am emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit for a very long time!

Q: What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.

When butterflies fall in love do they feel humans in their stomach?

Lady to Radio Jockey: It would be a great help if you call to my husband who left me and took all our three kids with him.
Radio Jockey: Yes, for sure... Its on. You please speak your message.
Lady: Honey, kindly return back two kids because only one of them is yours!!!

The old people used to tell me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, 'Ha ha, You’re next!' So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!

After long argument I say 'It's ok' to shut your ugly mouth.

When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.

This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

Friend: You go to concerts on school nights? Me: No, it's more like I go to school on concert nights.

Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.

Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.

You grow on people, but so does cancer.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to them.

Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Basic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.

If my jokes offend you: 1) I'm sorry. 2) It won't happen again. 3) 1 & 2 are lies. 4) You're a Bit.

Alcoholic? No, I prefer the term Drinking Enthusiast.

What’s so real about reality TV shows?

At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don't trust women!

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

I like sleeping. It’s like death without the commitment.