All About Comp

If you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the
following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton.

1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any
Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls
asking where the "Any" key is.

2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her
mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover
turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man
complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing
files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for
magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was
found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled
them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her
defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the
customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled
floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer
asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone
down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to
his room.

6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his
computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of
trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was
trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7.Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new
program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local
Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer
replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man
said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of
geeks."

8.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up
his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a
day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.

9.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and
an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad
command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken
personally.

10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support
couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring
the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what
happened when she pushed the power button. Her response,
"I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.

11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked
the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
something to happen. When asked what happened when she
pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12.This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message
every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and
password in capital letters.

Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower-case letters."

Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

13.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within
my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's
because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional,
at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it
have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything
about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the
Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand
it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM
drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

14.Illegal Operations

A good friend of mine in Los Angeles is somewhat computer illiterate.
She recently called me here (Italy) with a problem she was having with
her new computer:

"Simon, something's wrong with the Internet thing, it doesn't work."

"What does the computer say?"

"Well, it just told me that the program had performed an 'illegal
operation' and that it was going to be shut down."

I paused, about to respond that it was nothing to worry about and all
she had to do was restart the computer, when I thought of something.

"You think it means the police are going to come and shut down your
computer, don't you?"

A trans-Atlantic pause....

"Umm, it doesn't then?"

"No!"